changing

The leaves change and so do we

The girls and i were talking on saturday night as we attempted to plan a trip for our long weekend in february and tried to agree on what christmas movie to watch (ended up being a christmas story - which i'd never seen). We were talking about something that we've discussed a few times already since being here and probably something we will continue to mull over from time to time. And that is how much we've changed since that first footstep off the plane in Seoul. and i don't mean we've changed our personalities, appearances or anything superficial to the seeing eye. But something inside of us has changed.
Something inside of me has changed. Or to look at it from another point of view, the parts of me that were once unsure, nervous, scared and insecure have unconsciously been replaced by every new experience and struggle encountered in Seoul. Those initial qualities were at the brim of every action I undertook in this city and in my job. I was unsure of my ability to teach; I was nervous to do anything, go anywhere or buy things (even necessities like groceries was a challenge); I was scared of failure, scared of a regression towards my formerly depressed state, and scared of the unfamiliarity of it all; and I was insecure about living alone. And those qualities surfaced in every action I attempted within my first month here. Slowly as I became more familiar with my surroundings, more comfortable with my job, and more confident in my abilities as a teacher, women and citizen of Seoul those negative qualities began to dissipate. Like water in the desert. They dried up. Even though I was experiencing all those pessimistic feelings I knew that it was a result of shock. The shock of leaving my comfort zone, leaving my family, leaving my country and leaving my life. But by learning through the old 'trial and error' methods I have changed.
After being embarrassed at the grocery market because I didn't realize my produce had to be weighed and priced before going to the cashier, resulting in the cashier having to go and do it herself in the produce section, I learned for next time. I was less scared. After being rejected by the subway turnstilles possibly ten or more times in a row, I learned the blue triangle means that turnstille is open to incoming traffic and the red x means that turnstille is open to opposite traffic flow. I was less unsure. I learned, after almost being hit by several cars my first week here, that although you can walk openly in the middle of the street, it's best to stick to the sides...and a horn means move! But not in a mean way, in a "hey I'm here" way. I was less nervous to walk in the streets of Seoul. After two weeks of having my kids teach me my schedule, asking the same questions to a variety of teachers in my school, and pestering my Korean co-teacher after every period I learned my way as a teacher. I was less insecure.
Each new day here presents a new challenge, a new struggle and a new opportunity to improve myself and become more confident in myself. I have never felt connected to that old cliche of 'I can do anything'. But after living here for the last two and a half months I have never felt more secure about my ability to handle anything. The major disruptions I've endured like leaving family, Canada, friends and comfortability; the minor struggles I've endured involving my everday life in Seoul have made me stronger. And that is how I've changed. I am a stronger person. I am a more confident person. I am a more aware person. I feel as though I can handle pretty much anything life will deal me. I hope this doesn't come off as cocky or arrogant; for this is not the intention or the process that has occurred. This blog is about transformation. It's about beginning in a mental place of instability and enduring hardships that allowed a metamorphsis to take place. I feel stable. I feel good. I feel happy. And most importantly I cannot wait to go home to see what more challenges I can undertake to apply what I've learned here to my life at home. Everyday here is different; my changing and growing will not stop until I leave. These realizations are the tip of the iceberg. Two and a half months is a drop in the bucket and I'm excited to see what else will change in me before I come home.